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I grew up in a small town, well just outside a small town rather, a beginning not unlike many others. However, my parents divorced when I was six years old. Growing up in a split home no doubt offers troubling circumstances, and regardless of how anyone may put it, saying that, nothing is going to change, both parents still love you, everything is going to be fine; I can tell you first hand that those statements are in fact untrue. While being true in part, they are by in large not true. This would set the stage for my life. One parent was absent, and the other worked multiple jobs so that we would survive. However much I am very grateful for the sacrifices made for me, this quickly lead to a hardened attitude. One which would leave you feeling "I do not need anyone". That attitude ultimately is a lie that we tell ourselves to cope with the reality that we are alone and feel abandoned. This lead into my teen years, ones which .......I am not very proud of in which I was prone to anger, violence, fits of aggression, and times of addiction, only really caring about myself. I hated life and I really didn't know how to function in a normal manner. I rarely showed up to school, one year in excess I missed 38 days of school. I used virtual reality to escape from my life, spending the majority of my time playing video games. As a result, I was overweight, unmotivated, really lost and depressed. I had been diagnosed with spinal stenosis and degenerative disk disease, at times rarely being able to walk over one block without my right leg becoming numb. In these years, I had attended church regularly. I had learned the stories and I had attained a base knowledge to retort or answer to almost any shallow Christian question. I put on this facade in church that everything was great but in all reality, inwardly I was dead and without hope. My life bore no fruit of really knowing Jesus. I have one distinct memory of my early years, where I saw a play in a small church, where two people were in a car wreck and died. When they came to be judged, whether in the book of life or not, one was not saved and one was. In the play when the one who wasn't saved received the penalty of sin, the room got dark and a red costumed depiction of satan came out with a few demons and snatched this person up. I was terrified. I spent many years, going through bouts of saying to myself over and over and over in my head, "I do not need satan, I need Jesus" in fear that I too would be the person snatched up in the end. I felt sorry for myself, I felt alone, I felt angry at God for my position in life, but I also felt that if I remained consistent in saying I needed Jesus, that I ultimately was ok – however, I wasn't. In my late teens and early twenties, something happened. I went from being unhappy, angry, alone, self-indulgent, and a lover of self, to one day realizing the weight and the seriousness of my sin. It all became personal, all of the stories I had heard of sin and of Jesus being put to death went from a head knowledge, to something that I now realized in my heart, which was my sin, that I had truly sinned against the One, Almighty, holy God. I became alive. I had come to know the love and mercy of God through Jesus Christ on the cross. Quickly, I became aware of how vile I was as a person, the shame and guilt of my actions, and the regret of all the things I had done to myself and to others. However, I was at peace now, realizing the depth of what Jesus accomplished on the cross, He atoned and paid for my sins so that I would have peace with God. Me – a sinner, dead, just like the person I described in the first portion of this writing. Now, because of Jesus I could stand before God as a child of His, experiencing His love and mercy. Now, my life is not categorized as lost, self-indulgent, angry, hateful, a lover of self, and without hope. God has caused me to become alive. He has saved me, and has shown me His love, mercy and His goodness. He sent Jesus to die for my sins that I may now live forever with Him. He has placed Jesus as Lord in my life and has utterly changed me. God took a broken, shattered person, and caused me to be made new. Now I live my life to Him in awe of His glory, because He has sent His son to die on the cross, so that whosoever shall believe in Him will have eternal life with Him. |
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"If you abide in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine, and you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free."
John 8:31-32
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